A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied,
"That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
BEST EMAIL AUTO REPLIES
Some fantastic auto-reply messages for your mailbox.
Use anyone of this and enjoy the responses...
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
2: I’m not really out of the office. I’m just ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.’
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9: Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
10: Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any messages.
11: I’ve run away to join a different circus. AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:
12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as ‘Loretta’ instead of ‘Steve’
Use anyone of this and enjoy the responses...
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
2: I’m not really out of the office. I’m just ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.’
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9: Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
10: Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any messages.
11: I’ve run away to join a different circus. AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:
12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as ‘Loretta’ instead of ‘Steve’
Friday, August 6, 2010
FUTURE SON IN LAW
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper.
He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper.
He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"
Thursday, August 5, 2010
BROTHERLY LOVE
Joe and Bob were two very different people and had lived in the same valley for several years. Despite their differences, their relationship was one of amiable cooperation. One day, to reward them for their spirit of coexistence, God decided to pay a visit and reward them for their spirit of brotherly love.
God gathered the two men together and spoke to Joe, "I am very pleased with the cooperative spirit the both of you have demonstrated. Bob because being black in this day and age has proved to be a trying experience, I will reward you with exactly double everything I reward Joe. I am now happy to grant you your 5 fondest wishes."
Joe, after thinking it over, wished he had a 50 room mansion erected on top of the mountain. Sure enough, on top of the eastern mountain, appeared a 50 room mansion. At the same time, for Bob, a 100 room mansion exactly twice the size of Joe's mansion appeared on top of the western mountain.
Joe was very happy and Bob was absolutely elated. Bob informed Joe that they needed food and transportation. Joe agreed and, for his 2nd and 3rd wishes, requested God to fill the pantries with delicious wares and provide him with 10 different cars.
Agreeably, God filled the pantries of both mansions. In the garage of Joe's mansion there appeared 10 different cars. In the garage of Bob's mansion appeared 20 different cars.
Next, Bob prompted Joe about the 4th wish, "Women... we need women!"
Joe, agreeing, asked God to furnish his 4th wish as 50 of the world's sexiest, most beautiful women. Instantly, standing in front of the Joe's mansion were 50 of the sexiest, most beautiful women in the world. At the same time, standing in front of Bob's mansion were 100 women, each twice as sexy and attractive as those given to Joe.
Both men were very happy and Bob danced around and exclaimed, "Go, Man! Make more wishes! Make more wishes! Oh, Lordy...this is our lucky day!...Every time you make a wish, I get twice as much...Wish, Man, Wish!"
Thinking the situation over, Joe turned to God and said, "Okay, for my 5th and final wish, I want you to remove ONE of my testicles!"
God gathered the two men together and spoke to Joe, "I am very pleased with the cooperative spirit the both of you have demonstrated. Bob because being black in this day and age has proved to be a trying experience, I will reward you with exactly double everything I reward Joe. I am now happy to grant you your 5 fondest wishes."
Joe, after thinking it over, wished he had a 50 room mansion erected on top of the mountain. Sure enough, on top of the eastern mountain, appeared a 50 room mansion. At the same time, for Bob, a 100 room mansion exactly twice the size of Joe's mansion appeared on top of the western mountain.
Joe was very happy and Bob was absolutely elated. Bob informed Joe that they needed food and transportation. Joe agreed and, for his 2nd and 3rd wishes, requested God to fill the pantries with delicious wares and provide him with 10 different cars.
Agreeably, God filled the pantries of both mansions. In the garage of Joe's mansion there appeared 10 different cars. In the garage of Bob's mansion appeared 20 different cars.
Next, Bob prompted Joe about the 4th wish, "Women... we need women!"
Joe, agreeing, asked God to furnish his 4th wish as 50 of the world's sexiest, most beautiful women. Instantly, standing in front of the Joe's mansion were 50 of the sexiest, most beautiful women in the world. At the same time, standing in front of Bob's mansion were 100 women, each twice as sexy and attractive as those given to Joe.
Both men were very happy and Bob danced around and exclaimed, "Go, Man! Make more wishes! Make more wishes! Oh, Lordy...this is our lucky day!...Every time you make a wish, I get twice as much...Wish, Man, Wish!"
Thinking the situation over, Joe turned to God and said, "Okay, for my 5th and final wish, I want you to remove ONE of my testicles!"
UNNATURAL DEMANDS
A farmer buys several sheeps, hoping to breed them. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheeps are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn`t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the sheeps are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheeps.
So he loads the sheeps into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all. Then he brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheeps. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn`t take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, does each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheeps still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself,and proceeds to load them up and drives them out to the woods. He spends all day with the sheeps and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheeps. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheeps are laying in the mud.
"No," she says, "they`re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheeps.
So he loads the sheeps into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all. Then he brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheeps. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn`t take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, does each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheeps still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself,and proceeds to load them up and drives them out to the woods. He spends all day with the sheeps and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheeps. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheeps are laying in the mud.
"No," she says, "they`re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
Monday, May 17, 2010
OVERCONFIDENCE
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said,
"But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said,
"But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
Friday, May 7, 2010
SPITTING IN SHOES AND PISSING IN COKE
Two Radical Pakistani boarded a flight out of London .
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a Sardarji sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, Sardarji kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Paki in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' '
Don't get up,' said the Sardarji , 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Paki picked up the Sardarji ‘s shoe and spat in it.
When the Sardarji returned with the coke, the other Paki said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.'
Again, the Sardarji obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Paki picked up the Sardarji ‘s other shoe and spat in it.
When the Sardarji returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Sardarji slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Paki
neighbors . . .
'Why does it have to be this way?'
'How long must this go on ?
This fighting between our nations ?
This hatred ?
This animosity ?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes . . . ?'
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a Sardarji sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, Sardarji kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Paki in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' '
Don't get up,' said the Sardarji , 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Paki picked up the Sardarji ‘s shoe and spat in it.
When the Sardarji returned with the coke, the other Paki said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.'
Again, the Sardarji obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Paki picked up the Sardarji ‘s other shoe and spat in it.
When the Sardarji returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Sardarji slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Paki
neighbors . . .
'Why does it have to be this way?'
'How long must this go on ?
This fighting between our nations ?
This hatred ?
This animosity ?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes . . . ?'
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
INTERESTING CLASSIFIEDS IN NEWSPAPER
Top 9 Funniest News p aper Classifieds
*************
1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
(man....if only I knew A B C....)
*************
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again.
(sure...thanx for the warning!)
*************
3. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
(in months or years?)
*************
4. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
(check it out)
*************
5. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
(howwww sweeeet)
*************
6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
(wow! A free trip to heaven?)
*************
7. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
(uh...huh!)
*************
8. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
(hey....who taught cows the bad habit??)
*************
9. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
(nice work)
*************
*************
1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
(man....if only I knew A B C....)
*************
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again.
(sure...thanx for the warning!)
*************
3. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
(in months or years?)
*************
4. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
(check it out)
*************
5. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
(howwww sweeeet)
*************
6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
(wow! A free trip to heaven?)
*************
7. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
(uh...huh!)
*************
8. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
(hey....who taught cows the bad habit??)
*************
9. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
(nice work)
*************
Sunday, April 4, 2010
STUPID AGES OF LIFE
We have 3 stupid stages of life.....!!! !!
Teen age:
Have Time + Energy …but No Money
Working Age:
Have Money + Energy …but No Time
Old age:
Have Time + Money …but no Energy
Teen age:
Have Time + Energy …but No Money
Working Age:
Have Money + Energy …but No Time
Old age:
Have Time + Money …but no Energy
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
CLASSIFIEDS: WANTED WIFE
A news paper had a humour page with following matrimonials published in it.
BANKER:
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.
CAR MECHANIC:
Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition. Should be above average and must run the household at a good average.
DOCTOR:
Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making me desirous of marriage.
I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded and keeps away from all sins be it anasin, metasin or crosin. I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects. Apply or reply.
DRUNKER:
Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory. I am an occasional alchoholic who drinks only when friends come home.
Friends come home only seven times a week.
Girl preffered will carry me from bar to ghar-bar.
Meet personally or send soda for trial. Sample should be ample.
LAWYER:
I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage.
The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl.
The girl should be strictly a girl.
The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord I.
Myself. Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained.
Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence.
SOFTWARE ENGINEER
Wanted a Girl with a Lovely Look & Feel, Good GUI with Security features (privileges only for the Specific User especially critical Functionalities) .
There must not be any Critical or Medium Bug in her.
LowBugs can be deferred But needs to B fixed by the Next Build. She Must not be PLATFORM INDEPENDENT, USER FRIENDLY. We are ready to Test the Application & CERTIFY the product but we will assure it will never be released to ANY OTHER Customer.
BANKER:
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.
CAR MECHANIC:
Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition. Should be above average and must run the household at a good average.
DOCTOR:
Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making me desirous of marriage.
I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded and keeps away from all sins be it anasin, metasin or crosin. I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects. Apply or reply.
DRUNKER:
Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory. I am an occasional alchoholic who drinks only when friends come home.
Friends come home only seven times a week.
Girl preffered will carry me from bar to ghar-bar.
Meet personally or send soda for trial. Sample should be ample.
LAWYER:
I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage.
The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl.
The girl should be strictly a girl.
The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord I.
Myself. Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained.
Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence.
SOFTWARE ENGINEER
Wanted a Girl with a Lovely Look & Feel, Good GUI with Security features (privileges only for the Specific User especially critical Functionalities) .
There must not be any Critical or Medium Bug in her.
LowBugs can be deferred But needs to B fixed by the Next Build. She Must not be PLATFORM INDEPENDENT, USER FRIENDLY. We are ready to Test the Application & CERTIFY the product but we will assure it will never be released to ANY OTHER Customer.
BELIEVING IN PRAYERS
In a small town in India, a person decided to open up his Bar business,
which was right opposite to the Temple. The Temple its congregation
started a campaign to block the Bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business.
Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to
open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the Bar and it was burnt
to the ground.
The temple folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the Bar owner sued the Temple authorities on the grounds that the Temple through its congregation prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his bar shop, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
In its reply to the court, the temple vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar shop's demise.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented:
I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the
paperwork,
'we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer
and
we have an entire temple and its devotees that doesn't.'
which was right opposite to the Temple. The Temple its congregation
started a campaign to block the Bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business.
Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to
open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the Bar and it was burnt
to the ground.
The temple folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the Bar owner sued the Temple authorities on the grounds that the Temple through its congregation prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his bar shop, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
In its reply to the court, the temple vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar shop's demise.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented:
I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the
paperwork,
'we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer
and
we have an entire temple and its devotees that doesn't.'
GUARDIAN ANGEL
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, 'Stop ! Stand still ! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.'
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. 'Who are you?'
'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.
'Oh, yeah?' the man said 'And where the hell were you when I got married?
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, 'Stop ! Stand still ! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.'
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. 'Who are you?'
'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.
'Oh, yeah?' the man said 'And where the hell were you when I got married?
CREDIT CARD OF FATHER
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand..
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced :
' Ladies and Gentlemen . Today is the luckiest day of my life ...' Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued,
'My daughter finally, finally returned my Credit Card to me.'
The whole audience including the priest started laughing . . . . .
But not the poor Groom ! ! !
SHARING IS SEXY
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand..
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced :
' Ladies and Gentlemen . Today is the luckiest day of my life ...' Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued,
'My daughter finally, finally returned my Credit Card to me.'
The whole audience including the priest started laughing . . . . .
But not the poor Groom ! ! !
SHARING IS SEXY
Friday, March 5, 2010
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It is a very important image and will test all of you.
What you have to do is give a title for this....
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It is a very important image and will test all of you.
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EQUATION OF MAN & WOMAN
Equation 1
Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Human = Donkey + Work + enjoy
Therefore:
Human-enjoy = Donkey + Work
In other words,
Human that don't know enjoy = Donkey that work.
-----------------------------------------------
Equation 2
Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Men = Donkry + earn money
Therefore:
Men-earn money = Donkey
In other words
Men who d'nt earn mony = Donkey
-------------------------------
Equation 3
Women= eat + sleep + spend
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Women = Donkey + spend
Women - spend = Donkey
In other words,
Women who don't spend = Donkey
------------------------------
To Conclude:
From Equation 2 and Equation 3
Men who don't earn money = Women who don't spend
So Men earn money not to let women become donkey!
And women spend not to let men become donkey!
So, We have:
Men + Women = Donkey + earn money + Donkey + Spend money
Therefore from postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude
Men + Women = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!
Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Human = Donkey + Work + enjoy
Therefore:
Human-enjoy = Donkey + Work
In other words,
Human that don't know enjoy = Donkey that work.
-----------------------------------------------
Equation 2
Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Men = Donkry + earn money
Therefore:
Men-earn money = Donkey
In other words
Men who d'nt earn mony = Donkey
-------------------------------
Equation 3
Women= eat + sleep + spend
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Women = Donkey + spend
Women - spend = Donkey
In other words,
Women who don't spend = Donkey
------------------------------
To Conclude:
From Equation 2 and Equation 3
Men who don't earn money = Women who don't spend
So Men earn money not to let women become donkey!
And women spend not to let men become donkey!
So, We have:
Men + Women = Donkey + earn money + Donkey + Spend money
Therefore from postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude
Men + Women = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!
Saturday, February 27, 2010
INDIANS ARE INDIANS
Once a english man came to india as a tourist.
He appointed a guide for him.First the guide took the man to Taj Mahal to show him the beauty of the monument.
The english man asked "how many years did it take to build this one". The guide replied "it took about 20 full years ".............."20 years!!" said the english with a haughty voice and further said "our english men would have built in 10 yrs"......
The next day the guide took him to the 'Hawa Mahal' in Rajasthan....the english asked" how many years did it take to built this one".....
the guide replied "almost 10 years".................."10 years!!!" said the english,"our men would have built it in 5 yrs"....................
The Indian guide thought that this particular english man is trying to insult the wonders and that's where our Indian Attitude plugs in............
The next day seeing the 'Qutub Minar' the english asked the same question..........the with astonishing look said " Oh my God.....this tower looks great it was'nt there yesterday"
He appointed a guide for him.First the guide took the man to Taj Mahal to show him the beauty of the monument.
The english man asked "how many years did it take to build this one". The guide replied "it took about 20 full years ".............."20 years!!" said the english with a haughty voice and further said "our english men would have built in 10 yrs"......
The next day the guide took him to the 'Hawa Mahal' in Rajasthan....the english asked" how many years did it take to built this one".....
the guide replied "almost 10 years".................."10 years!!!" said the english,"our men would have built it in 5 yrs"....................
The Indian guide thought that this particular english man is trying to insult the wonders and that's where our Indian Attitude plugs in............
The next day seeing the 'Qutub Minar' the english asked the same question..........the with astonishing look said " Oh my God.....this tower looks great it was'nt there yesterday"
WHY THEY DONT LIKE INDIANS. VERY FUNNY
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let us begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F**k the Indians.'
'Now,who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? S**k this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997! '
Now with almost mob hysteria, someone said 'You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson (RIP) to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And, as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh sh*t, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people, November 4th, 2008".(recession)
The teacher said, "Let us begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F**k the Indians.'
'Now,who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? S**k this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997! '
Now with almost mob hysteria, someone said 'You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson (RIP) to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And, as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh sh*t, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people, November 4th, 2008".(recession)
Saturday, February 20, 2010
PARTICIPANTS FOR KISSING COMPETITION
DEAR FRIENDS,
THERE IS A KISSING COMPETITION THAT WILL BE ARRANGED SOON AND THE ORGANIZERS WANT PARTICIPANTS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD.
AS YOU KNOW ME, I THOUGHT TO SPREAD THIS WORLD AND INFORM EVERYONE ON THE WEB TO REGISTER THEIR NAMES FOR FREE FREE FREE !!!
BELOW ARE THE DETAILS ABOUT THE WHOLE COMPETITION AND REGISTRATION PROCESS FOR THE COMPETITION.
STARTING TIME IS 7 SECONDS AND IT WILL BE FURTHER EXTENDED BASED ON THE SCORES OF INDIVIDUALS GETTING SHORTLISTED.
THIS ENTIRE COMPETITION WILL GO ON FOR 3 DAYS AND WINNERS WILL BE DECLARED IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE COMPETITION.
PLEASE BE READY AND LETS MAKE THIS COMPETITION A REAL ONE WITH ALL OF US.
ADVERTISEMENT BELOW...
Entrants Required for KISSING Competition
7 minutes non stop kissing, full French kissing with tongues and you could win:
£5,000.00 voucher from Thomas Cook Travel
£2,000.00 IKEA voucher, and
£1,500.00 NEXT voucher
plus £10,000.00 in cash
THERE IS A KISSING COMPETITION THAT WILL BE ARRANGED SOON AND THE ORGANIZERS WANT PARTICIPANTS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD.
AS YOU KNOW ME, I THOUGHT TO SPREAD THIS WORLD AND INFORM EVERYONE ON THE WEB TO REGISTER THEIR NAMES FOR FREE FREE FREE !!!
BELOW ARE THE DETAILS ABOUT THE WHOLE COMPETITION AND REGISTRATION PROCESS FOR THE COMPETITION.
STARTING TIME IS 7 SECONDS AND IT WILL BE FURTHER EXTENDED BASED ON THE SCORES OF INDIVIDUALS GETTING SHORTLISTED.
THIS ENTIRE COMPETITION WILL GO ON FOR 3 DAYS AND WINNERS WILL BE DECLARED IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE COMPETITION.
PLEASE BE READY AND LETS MAKE THIS COMPETITION A REAL ONE WITH ALL OF US.
ADVERTISEMENT BELOW...
Entrants Required for KISSING Competition
7 minutes non stop kissing, full French kissing with tongues and you could win:
£5,000.00 voucher from Thomas Cook Travel
£2,000.00 IKEA voucher, and
£1,500.00 NEXT voucher
plus £10,000.00 in cash
PARTNER FOR THE LADIES
PARTNER FOR THE GUYS
ALPHABET SENIOR VERSION
A for arthritis,
B for bad back,
C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)
H high blood pressure [I'd rather have low)
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
K is for my knees that crack when they're bent
(Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent)
L for libido--what happened to sex?
M is for Metamusil
N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck
O is for osteo-and all bones that crack
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu?
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears
T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
U is for urinary: difficulties with flow
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know.
W is worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray--and what might be found.
Y for another year I've left behind
Z is for zest that I still have my mind,
Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed, And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!!
B for bad back,
C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)
H high blood pressure [I'd rather have low)
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
K is for my knees that crack when they're bent
(Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent)
L for libido--what happened to sex?
M is for Metamusil
N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck
O is for osteo-and all bones that crack
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu?
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears
T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
U is for urinary: difficulties with flow
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know.
W is worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray--and what might be found.
Y for another year I've left behind
Z is for zest that I still have my mind,
Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed, And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!!
ANSWER THIS PUZZLE
Once there was a bus conductor, who was very rude to his passengers.
One day a beautiful young girl, of around 18 years,tried to board the bus,
but he didn't stop the bus.
Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the
spot. Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn
took him to the court.
The judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment.
He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the
center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. The
conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to
him. But to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him
free, and he returned to his profession.
After a few months, this time, a good looking middle aged woman tried to
board the bus but the conductor didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately, this
time also, the good looking middle aged woman came under the bus and died on
the spot.
Again angry passengers took him to the police station, who in turn took
him to the court. The judge took one look at the conductor and gave him
capital punishment. The Bus conductor was taken to the same electrocution
chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a
single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to the chair
and high voltage current was given to him. This time also to
everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he
returned to his profession.
A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus. This
time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier experiences, stopped the
bus. Unfortunately the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to his
injuries. The conductor was taken to the police station and then to the
court, to the same judge. Though he hadn't done anything wrong, but
considering his past record the judge decided to set an example and
gave him capital punishment. The Bus conductor was again taken to the same
electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the
room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to
the chair and high voltage current was given to him. This time he died
instantly !!!!!!!!!!!
The question is why didn't he die on the first two occasions, but died
instantly the third time??
Try to solve it yourselves. This is rather interesting and answer is
perfectly logical. If necessary read the puzzle once again.
Still you can't, Then look below.........
wanna know the answer????
Ok........ there is the Answer............
During the first two times, the conductor was a Bad Conductor, therefore
electricity didn't pass through him. But during the third time, he was a
good conductor, so electricity passed through him freely and he died !!!!!!!!
One day a beautiful young girl, of around 18 years,tried to board the bus,
but he didn't stop the bus.
Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the
spot. Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn
took him to the court.
The judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment.
He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the
center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. The
conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to
him. But to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him
free, and he returned to his profession.
After a few months, this time, a good looking middle aged woman tried to
board the bus but the conductor didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately, this
time also, the good looking middle aged woman came under the bus and died on
the spot.
Again angry passengers took him to the police station, who in turn took
him to the court. The judge took one look at the conductor and gave him
capital punishment. The Bus conductor was taken to the same electrocution
chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a
single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to the chair
and high voltage current was given to him. This time also to
everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he
returned to his profession.
A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus. This
time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier experiences, stopped the
bus. Unfortunately the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to his
injuries. The conductor was taken to the police station and then to the
court, to the same judge. Though he hadn't done anything wrong, but
considering his past record the judge decided to set an example and
gave him capital punishment. The Bus conductor was again taken to the same
electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the
room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to
the chair and high voltage current was given to him. This time he died
instantly !!!!!!!!!!!
The question is why didn't he die on the first two occasions, but died
instantly the third time??
Try to solve it yourselves. This is rather interesting and answer is
perfectly logical. If necessary read the puzzle once again.
Still you can't, Then look below.........
wanna know the answer????
Ok........ there is the Answer............
During the first two times, the conductor was a Bad Conductor, therefore
electricity didn't pass through him. But during the third time, he was a
good conductor, so electricity passed through him freely and he died !!!!!!!!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
I AM IN PHOENIX
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings... It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No....."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"
Bud says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings... It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No....."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"
Monday, February 15, 2010
SHE IS NOT MY WIFE
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache."
It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With That, He goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache."
It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With That, He goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."
SMALL ONE LINER JOKES
Ex Husband !!!
Santa was weeping at a grave, "Why did you die? Why did you die? Your death ruined my life."
Banta: For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent? Wife? or Girlfriend ?
Santa: My wife’s first husband.
Ambulance OR Police ?
Blonde Wife: Look a thief has entered our kitchen and he is eating the cake I prepared.
Annoyed Husband: Whom should I call now, Police or Ambulance...?
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY FIGHT
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting You a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'
'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' '
FUNNY LINES:
"U love someone
U marry someone else.
The one u marry becomes ur wife or husband.
And the one u loved becomes the password of Ur mail id"
The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter
speed it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut
I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in, she said: Check books.
What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars.
When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession... even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed,
"Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!"
A boy tells his mom that he seen a boy & a girl sitting at the top of the roof & kissing.
Then his mom tell him that they are gonna get married.
Then the boy asks his mom: When is dad gonna marry the maid?
Waiting for Secratory
"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire' "
Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.
"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.
Good Lawyer Vs Great Lawyer
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Q: Why is Sunday stronger than Monday?
Its because Monday is a Weak Day....
Q: What would Baby Corn say To Mom Corn?
He'll ask: "Where is Pop Corn?"
Q: Do u know what is the meaning of PYAR?
Some friends sitting on the table in a BAR.....
& saying "P - YAAR"
Q1) What is it that RAM can do but RAVAN cant?
A: Wear a T-SHIRT.
Q2) What is it that RAVAN can do but RAM cant?
A: Group discussion when he is alone.
Dharam Paaji subscribed to Hutch. But the hutch network did not follow him. Why?
Bcoz the Dog was afraid, 'Kutte! Main tera khoon pee jaunga.'
Q: What is the difference between Paneer Masala and Paneer 'Tikka' Masala??
A: The Latter is Vaccinated.. .!!
Q: Why does the BAA of "Kyunki Saas bhi Kabhi Bahu thi" never die?
A: Coz God Never Dies....
Confused?
BAA 'KHUDA' TUMHI HO!
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with " I "
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right ... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's ... Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg,
or a goose egg, depends a lot on
the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when
a man gets so busy earnin' his salt
that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better,
or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman,
they become one; but the trouble starts
when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense
to treat his wife like a thoroughbred,
she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband
always forgets the past -
but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife,
"Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin'
and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."
Many girls like to marry a military man -
he can cook, sew, and make beds
and is in good health,
and he's already used to taking orders.
Santa decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with.
A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.
A month later he was back at the same dealer for another hundred chickens because the second lot had also died and then santa realised “I think I know where I’m going wrong,” said santa, “I think I’m planting them too deep.”
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”
The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”
Santa walks in one of the bar in New York.
Man on his right hand side says "Johnny Walker single"
Man on his left hand side says "Peter Scotch single"
Santa says "Santa Banta Married"............ ...
Eventually you will reach a point when
you stop lying about your age and
start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look
this way. I've traveled a long way and some
of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't
know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when
everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are
so gray and wrinkled and bald,
they don't recognize you.
I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she’s interested in, she said: Check books.
The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.
What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
My wife thinks “freedom of the press” means no-iron clothes.
Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.
At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I hv lst my hand, oh! Santa: Control urself. Don’t cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?
A French in a hotel in NY, phoned room service for some pepper. Attendant: Black pepper or white pepper? French: Toilette pepper!
Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law? Boy: Not really, but I don’t see any other way to marry your daughter.
Santa & Banta were walking in the highlands then suddenly Santa fell down in a deep hole. Banta: Are you ok? Santa: Fine thanks! Banta: Did you break anything? Santa: No, there’s nothing down here!
Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in? New employee: Yes, sir. Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
Santa always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case someone wants their coffee black.
Santa falls in luv with a nurse… After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: “I luv u sister.”
Q: Why dogs don’t marry? A: Because they are already leading a dog’s life!
A history teacher & his wife were sitting at a table. The wife asked. ‘Anything new at work?’ He replied, ‘No, I’m teaching History.’
Q: What’s the diff between mother & wife? A: One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.
Santa enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again. Why? Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.
Teacher: Four beautiful girls are walking on the road. Change it to exclamatory sentence. Student: WOW !
Your daddy must be a terrorist because you’re a BOMB!
Santa in an antique shop, “Do you have anything new?”
Santa was weeping at a grave, "Why did you die? Why did you die? Your death ruined my life."
Banta: For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent? Wife? or Girlfriend ?
Santa: My wife’s first husband.
Ambulance OR Police ?
Blonde Wife: Look a thief has entered our kitchen and he is eating the cake I prepared.
Annoyed Husband: Whom should I call now, Police or Ambulance...?
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY FIGHT
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting You a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'
'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' '
FUNNY LINES:
"U love someone
U marry someone else.
The one u marry becomes ur wife or husband.
And the one u loved becomes the password of Ur mail id"
The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter
speed it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut
I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in, she said: Check books.
What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars.
When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession... even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed,
"Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!"
A boy tells his mom that he seen a boy & a girl sitting at the top of the roof & kissing.
Then his mom tell him that they are gonna get married.
Then the boy asks his mom: When is dad gonna marry the maid?
Waiting for Secratory
"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire' "
Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.
"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.
Good Lawyer Vs Great Lawyer
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Q: Why is Sunday stronger than Monday?
Its because Monday is a Weak Day....
Q: What would Baby Corn say To Mom Corn?
He'll ask: "Where is Pop Corn?"
Q: Do u know what is the meaning of PYAR?
Some friends sitting on the table in a BAR.....
& saying "P - YAAR"
Q1) What is it that RAM can do but RAVAN cant?
A: Wear a T-SHIRT.
Q2) What is it that RAVAN can do but RAM cant?
A: Group discussion when he is alone.
Dharam Paaji subscribed to Hutch. But the hutch network did not follow him. Why?
Bcoz the Dog was afraid, 'Kutte! Main tera khoon pee jaunga.'
Q: What is the difference between Paneer Masala and Paneer 'Tikka' Masala??
A: The Latter is Vaccinated.. .!!
Q: Why does the BAA of "Kyunki Saas bhi Kabhi Bahu thi" never die?
A: Coz God Never Dies....
Confused?
BAA 'KHUDA' TUMHI HO!
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with " I "
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right ... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's ... Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg,
or a goose egg, depends a lot on
the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when
a man gets so busy earnin' his salt
that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better,
or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman,
they become one; but the trouble starts
when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense
to treat his wife like a thoroughbred,
she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband
always forgets the past -
but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife,
"Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin'
and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."
Many girls like to marry a military man -
he can cook, sew, and make beds
and is in good health,
and he's already used to taking orders.
Santa decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with.
A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.
A month later he was back at the same dealer for another hundred chickens because the second lot had also died and then santa realised “I think I know where I’m going wrong,” said santa, “I think I’m planting them too deep.”
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”
The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”
Santa walks in one of the bar in New York.
Man on his right hand side says "Johnny Walker single"
Man on his left hand side says "Peter Scotch single"
Santa says "Santa Banta Married"............ ...
Eventually you will reach a point when
you stop lying about your age and
start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look
this way. I've traveled a long way and some
of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't
know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when
everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are
so gray and wrinkled and bald,
they don't recognize you.
I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she’s interested in, she said: Check books.
The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.
What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
My wife thinks “freedom of the press” means no-iron clothes.
Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.
At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I hv lst my hand, oh! Santa: Control urself. Don’t cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?
A French in a hotel in NY, phoned room service for some pepper. Attendant: Black pepper or white pepper? French: Toilette pepper!
Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law? Boy: Not really, but I don’t see any other way to marry your daughter.
Santa & Banta were walking in the highlands then suddenly Santa fell down in a deep hole. Banta: Are you ok? Santa: Fine thanks! Banta: Did you break anything? Santa: No, there’s nothing down here!
Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in? New employee: Yes, sir. Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
Santa always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case someone wants their coffee black.
Santa falls in luv with a nurse… After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: “I luv u sister.”
Q: Why dogs don’t marry? A: Because they are already leading a dog’s life!
A history teacher & his wife were sitting at a table. The wife asked. ‘Anything new at work?’ He replied, ‘No, I’m teaching History.’
Q: What’s the diff between mother & wife? A: One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.
Santa enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again. Why? Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.
Teacher: Four beautiful girls are walking on the road. Change it to exclamatory sentence. Student: WOW !
Your daddy must be a terrorist because you’re a BOMB!
Santa in an antique shop, “Do you have anything new?”
Sunday, February 14, 2010
INTERESTING QUESTIONS RELATED TO ALL OF US
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
Do you cry under water?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
Do you cry under water?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
BEGGERS OF TODAY
A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs.10 and that Continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to Rs. 7.50
"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing."
A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes Rs. 5.
"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor.
"First you give me Rs. 10 every day, then Rs. 7,50 and now only Rs. 5. What's the problem?"
"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."
"And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.
"Four," the man replies.
"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense."
"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing."
A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes Rs. 5.
"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor.
"First you give me Rs. 10 every day, then Rs. 7,50 and now only Rs. 5. What's the problem?"
"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."
"And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.
"Four," the man replies.
"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense."
LOVE IS BLIND ON VALENTINE DAY
Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub.
He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes.
Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, 'I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just £10 but on one condition.'
The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance, 'What's your condition?'
Phil answered, 'Tell me your wish in just three words.'
There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address.
She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, 'Clean my house.'
Happy Valentine's Day!!!
He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes.
Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, 'I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just £10 but on one condition.'
The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance, 'What's your condition?'
Phil answered, 'Tell me your wish in just three words.'
There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address.
She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, 'Clean my house.'
Happy Valentine's Day!!!
Friday, February 12, 2010
A DESI COUPLE IN A LUXURY HOTEL
An older Desi couple having taken all their past vacations either staying at
home, or at friends’ and relatives’ homes in other cities decided now to
stay in a top name luxury Hotel for an experience in a resort city and to
cash an off-season discount coupon.
They came to the grandiose hotel, got their room keys and Bellman started
escorting them.
A door opened, Husband and wife looked at each other with a big gasp.
Desi always devised their games to get better and more return for their
money. The outspoken wife with tacit consent from the husband started
blasting at the Bellman.
"You know we are from India. You can't fool us. You promise grand room,
great view and this room does not even have a window, I don't see any
bathroom. Do we have to toilet in the lobby? You think we don't know it. We
have a distant cousin running a grocery store here in town, we will stay
with them. I want to talk to your manager and we want our money back’’
The bellman explained politely, “Ma'am this is not your room. This is just
our elevator to take you to your room.”
home, or at friends’ and relatives’ homes in other cities decided now to
stay in a top name luxury Hotel for an experience in a resort city and to
cash an off-season discount coupon.
They came to the grandiose hotel, got their room keys and Bellman started
escorting them.
A door opened, Husband and wife looked at each other with a big gasp.
Desi always devised their games to get better and more return for their
money. The outspoken wife with tacit consent from the husband started
blasting at the Bellman.
"You know we are from India. You can't fool us. You promise grand room,
great view and this room does not even have a window, I don't see any
bathroom. Do we have to toilet in the lobby? You think we don't know it. We
have a distant cousin running a grocery store here in town, we will stay
with them. I want to talk to your manager and we want our money back’’
The bellman explained politely, “Ma'am this is not your room. This is just
our elevator to take you to your room.”
MEN WILL TRY EVERYTHING
A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan.
Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting he called down
to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall
from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00,
and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to
buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and
surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures,
$20.00'. 'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his
hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen
seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men
Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways,
put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some
anticipation, stuck his manhood into the pening. When the machine started
buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen
seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender
unit. Which now had a button sewn neatly on the end...
Ouch!!!!Ouch!!!!Ouch!!!!
Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting he called down
to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall
from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00,
and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to
buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and
surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures,
$20.00'. 'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his
hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen
seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men
Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways,
put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some
anticipation, stuck his manhood into the pening. When the machine started
buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen
seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender
unit. Which now had a button sewn neatly on the end...
Ouch!!!!Ouch!!!!Ouch!!!!
20 Dollars For You
Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".
His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."
She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars".
"Ah, yes." says the man. "He pee'd in my trousers too".
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".
His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."
She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars".
"Ah, yes." says the man. "He pee'd in my trousers too".
Thursday, February 11, 2010
MORNING NEWSPAPER
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one everyday.
So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one everyday.
A Loving Husband
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for just $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried in the holy land and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
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The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried in the holy land and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
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to husband
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Wednesday, February 10, 2010
JAPAN FAST OR INDIA FASTER ???
There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing.On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.
During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!.
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.
Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!The Japanese exclaimed, "What??… so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, Made in India.......VERY VERY FAST !!!!!
During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!.
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.
Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!The Japanese exclaimed, "What??… so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, Made in India.......VERY VERY FAST !!!!!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
A SMALL POETRY
When God gave out brains,
I thought He said trains,
And I said I'd take the next one.
When God gave out looks,
I thought He said books,
And I didn't want any.
When God gave out noses,
I thought He said roses,
And I ordered a big one.
When God gave out legs,
I thought He said kegs,
So I ordered two fat ones.
When God gave out ears,
I thought He said beers,
So I ordered two long ones.
When God gave out chins,
I thought He said gins,
So I said, "Give me a double."
God, am I a mess!!
I thought He said trains,
And I said I'd take the next one.
When God gave out looks,
I thought He said books,
And I didn't want any.
When God gave out noses,
I thought He said roses,
And I ordered a big one.
When God gave out legs,
I thought He said kegs,
So I ordered two fat ones.
When God gave out ears,
I thought He said beers,
So I ordered two long ones.
When God gave out chins,
I thought He said gins,
So I said, "Give me a double."
God, am I a mess!!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
PREGNANT WOMAN IN BUS
A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused.
She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.
They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?"
"I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man.
"But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.'
Then you sat under an ad that read 'Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling.'
Then you moved under a deodorant advertisement which read 'William's Stick Did the Trick.'
And I just couldn't hold it in any longer when you moved a fourth time and sat under a tire advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident.'"
She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.
They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?"
"I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man.
"But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.'
Then you sat under an ad that read 'Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling.'
Then you moved under a deodorant advertisement which read 'William's Stick Did the Trick.'
And I just couldn't hold it in any longer when you moved a fourth time and sat under a tire advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident.'"
I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK
The teacher told the class that today they’d be guessing objects from physical description.
She said, "I will hold an object under my desk and physically describe it to you, and then class, you have to tell me what you think it is I have under my desk."
First the teacher said, "I have something long and yellow, what is it?"
Sally raises her hand and the teacher calls on her, "What do you think it is Sally?"
"It’s a banana", replied Sally.
"No, it’s a pencil" said the teacher, "But I like the way you think."
Next the teacher said, "I’m holding something round and red, what is it?"
Billy raises his hand and the teacher calls on him, "What do you think it is Billy?"
"It’s a tomato" says Billy.
"No, it’s an apple" says the teacher, "but I like the way you think."
Little Johnny raises his hand so the teacher calls on him and says, "Yes Little Johnny."
"Well Ms. Smith, I have one for you" says Little Johnny.
"Okay says the teacher."
"What’s round, hard, and has a head?" replied Little Johnny.
"Oh no, Little Johnny that is not appropriate for school at all." says the teacher.
"It’s a quarter" says Little Johnny, "but I like the way you think."
Thursday, January 14, 2010
WRONG EMAIL ID
DEAR ALL,
BELOW MENTIONED IS A SMALL STORY THAT TRIES TO EXPLAIN WHAT CAN HAPPEN DUE TO A TYPO MISTAKE WHILE WRITING AN EMAIL.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he
decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without
realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile... Somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting
condolence messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into
the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which
read:
To : My Loving Wife
Subject : I've reached
Date : 24 July 2008
I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They gave computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!!!
BELOW MENTIONED IS A SMALL STORY THAT TRIES TO EXPLAIN WHAT CAN HAPPEN DUE TO A TYPO MISTAKE WHILE WRITING AN EMAIL.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he
decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without
realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile... Somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting
condolence messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into
the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which
read:
To : My Loving Wife
Subject : I've reached
Date : 24 July 2008
I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They gave computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sunday, January 3, 2010
FUNNY TELE-CONVERSATION
Note : The Conversation in the brackets {} contain the words which the guy is speaking to himself!!! She gives a missed call to him … and He calls her back… Hi ...kya baat hai..? oh....ok ..kya kar rahi thi ?? Mera bhi abhi abhi dinner khatam hua.. ab...."Ladki Kyon Najaane Kyon" sun raha hu FM par.... She: nice song… (And then she hums a line from the song "Hum Tum") Hey!!!! Tum itni achchi gaati ho? mujhe pata hi nahi tha .. Hey ek aur baar gaao na pls! Come on! Please! It was really sweet. Please gaao na dear … Aisa kuch bhi nahi hai jaanu...gaao na
He: {mere ko doosra raasta nahi hai....is liye bola}
hmmmm Great!!!!
Hmmmm… 'Mahiya' from Awarapan? Dhoom Machale? He: {Aye tere nakhre ... mai to jaise mara jaa raha hoon teri awaaz sun ne ke liye Shakira … koi bhi gaana gaa....mere kaan to pakne waale hai} Cool Gaao na...pls gaao na....teri awaaz ki samundar me main doob jaana chahta hoon No no... Tum shy feel kar rahi ho na..... is liye... Trying to make u comfortable … Please gaao na darling.... Theek hai jaisi tumhaari merzi She: Hey… so gaye the kya? Nahi jaan Match dekh raha tha She: Theek hai tum match dekho Hey it's ok... purana match hai Bad toh main nahi keh raha jaanu. But I want you to be comfortable first.... tumhi ne bola ki main kal gaaungi..... So, me waiting… { maine to socha tha ki aaj bach gaya ... dhatttt tereki L } Nahi darling you really sing well Cheee! Cheee! teri voice agar itni buri hoti to main kya ab tak na sun raha hota Good night! He: {T u apni voice record karke sun kyon nahi leti ek baar !! dimaag ka dahi kar rakha hai .. lassi banaake peeja mere dimaag ki } Not at all. You sing very well…
She: Hmmm.... tum keh rahe ho to theek hi hoga. Good night. He: Good Night!! |
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