SMALL ONE LINER JOKES

Ex Husband !!!

Santa was weeping at a grave, "Why did you die? Why did you die? Your death ruined my life."

Banta: For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent? Wife? or Girlfriend ?

Santa: My wife’s first husband.



Ambulance OR Police ?

Blonde Wife: Look a thief has entered our kitchen and he is eating the cake I prepared.

Annoyed Husband: Whom should I call now, Police or Ambulance...?


WEDDING ANNIVERSARY FIGHT

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting You a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'
'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' '

FUNNY LINES:

"U love someone
U marry someone else.
The one u marry becomes ur wife or husband.
And the one u loved becomes the password of Ur mail id"


The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter
speed it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut

I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in, she said: Check books.

What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars.
When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession... even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed,
"Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!"

A boy tells his mom that he seen a boy & a girl sitting at the top of the roof & kissing.
Then his mom tell him that they are gonna get married.
Then the boy asks his mom: When is dad gonna marry the maid?


Waiting for Secratory
"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire' "
Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.
"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.

Good Lawyer Vs Great Lawyer
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.


Q: Why is Sunday stronger than Monday?
Its because Monday is a Weak Day....


Q: What would Baby Corn say To Mom Corn?
He'll ask: "Where is Pop Corn?"


Q: Do u know what is the meaning of PYAR?
Some friends sitting on the table in a BAR.....
& saying "P - YAAR"


Q1) What is it that RAM can do but RAVAN cant?
A: Wear a T-SHIRT.
Q2) What is it that RAVAN can do but RAM cant?
A: Group discussion when he is alone.


Dharam Paaji subscribed to Hutch. But the hutch network did not follow him. Why?
Bcoz the Dog was afraid, 'Kutte! Main tera khoon pee jaunga.'


Q: What is the difference between Paneer Masala and Paneer 'Tikka' Masala??
A: The Latter is Vaccinated.. .!!


Q: Why does the BAA of "Kyunki Saas bhi Kabhi Bahu thi" never die?
A: Coz God Never Dies....
Confused?
BAA 'KHUDA' TUMHI HO!



TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.


TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.


TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.


TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.


TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!


TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.


TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with " I "
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right ... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."


TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....


TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.


TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's ... Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.


TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.


Whether a man winds up with a nest egg,
or a goose egg, depends a lot on
the kind of chick he marries.


Trouble in marriage often starts when
a man gets so busy earnin' his salt
that he forgets his sugar.


Too many couples marry for better,
or for worse, but not for good.



When a man marries a woman,
they become one; but the trouble starts
when they try to decide which one.


If a man has enough horse sense
to treat his wife like a thoroughbred,
she will never turn into an old nag.


On anniversaries, the wise husband
always forgets the past -
but never the present.


A foolish husband says to his wife,
"Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin'
and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."


Many girls like to marry a military man -
he can cook, sew, and make beds
and is in good health,
and he's already used to taking orders.

Santa decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with.
A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.
A month later he was back at the same dealer for another hundred chickens because the second lot had also died and then santa realised “I think I know where I’m going wrong,” said santa, “I think I’m planting them too deep.”


A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”
The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”


Santa walks in one of the bar in New York.
Man on his right hand side says "Johnny Walker single"
Man on his left hand side says "Peter Scotch single"
Santa says "Santa Banta Married"............ ...

Eventually you will reach a point when
you stop lying about your age and
start bragging about it.


Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look
this way. I've traveled a long way and some
of the roads weren't paved.


How old would you be if you didn't
know how old you are?


You know you are getting old, when
everything either dries up or leaks.


Old age is when former classmates are
so gray and wrinkled and bald,
they don't recognize you.

I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she’s interested in, she said: Check books.

The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.

What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.

My wife thinks “freedom of the press” means no-iron clothes.

Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I hv lst my hand, oh! Santa: Control urself. Don’t cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

A French in a hotel in NY, phoned room service for some pepper. Attendant: Black pepper or white pepper? French: Toilette pepper!

Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law? Boy: Not really, but I don’t see any other way to marry your daughter.

Santa & Banta were walking in the highlands then suddenly Santa fell down in a deep hole. Banta: Are you ok? Santa: Fine thanks! Banta: Did you break anything? Santa: No, there’s nothing down here!

Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in? New employee: Yes, sir. Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

Santa always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case someone wants their coffee black.

Santa falls in luv with a nurse… After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: “I luv u sister.”

Q: Why dogs don’t marry? A: Because they are already leading a dog’s life!

A history teacher & his wife were sitting at a table. The wife asked. ‘Anything new at work?’ He replied, ‘No, I’m teaching History.’

Q: What’s the diff between mother & wife? A: One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.

Santa enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again. Why? Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.

Teacher: Four beautiful girls are walking on the road. Change it to exclamatory sentence. Student: WOW !

Your daddy must be a terrorist because you’re a BOMB!

Santa in an antique shop, “Do you have anything new?”

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