Wednesday, May 14, 2008

LETS LAUGH-REAL LIFE JOKES

Reading Jokes is something good and everyone of us love to read jokes on SMS or email and many places. The only reason I started this blog is just to give you an opportunity to find all the latest jokes(Veg & Non-Veg) at one place.
So, keep reading and Laughing.

Ladki ki T-shirt par bani billi ko dekh, ladka gurrane laga.

Girl: Kyo.Kabhi BILLI nahi dekhi kya?

Boy: Billi to dekhi, Par dudh ki rakhwali karnewali pahlibar dekhi.


Amir and Kajol in blue film:

Mere lu.. ko teri tango ke bich panah mil jaye,

Tujhe mai itna chodu ki teri ch… Fanna ho jaye…


Shop ke bahar board: “Sale Sale Sale Underwear sirf Rs.1000”

Customer to shopkeeper: Ye underwear itni mahangi kyon hai, iski kya guarantee hai.

Shopkeeper: Ise pahno, phir samnewali building par chadh jao.

Customer chadh gaya .

Shpkeeper: Ab niche dekho. Gan… Phati naa..

Customer: Haa.. phati.

Shopkeeper: Lekin Underwear nahi phati….


Teen Sardars talking about AIDS:

1st: Mai to kabhi condom ke bina karta nahi.

2nd: Mai to ungali me bhi condom pahnata hun.

3rd: Mai to bilkul risk nahi leta. Padosise karwata hun.

Interviewer: what is your birth date?
Sardar: 13th October
Which year?
Sardar: Oye ullu ke pathe _ _ _ EVERY YEAR

Manager asked to sardar at an interview
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Sardar replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.

Teacher to Sardar: Write your best friend's name in English.
Sardar wrote: ' Beautiful Red Underware'
Teacher: What?
Sardar: His name is Sundar Lal Chaddi

After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?

One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this village???
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!

Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi
So Sardar writes, "Gandi was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanthi.

Sardar was doing experiment with cockroach, first he cut it's one leg and told WALK. WALK. Cockroach walked. Then he cut it's second leg and told the same. Cockroach walked. Then cut the third leg and did the same. At last he cut it's fourth leg and ordered it walk! But cockroach didn't walk. Suddenly sardar said loudly, "I found it. If we cut cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.

On a political rally sardar was arrested. Why??? A woman journalist walking with a badge wrote "PRESS" and He did it..

When sarda r was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted mirror. Sardar shouted, "You are trying to see my wife? Sit back. I will drive.

Sardar went in a hotel. To wash hands he went to the washbasin. There he started washing the basin. Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing. Sardar pointed towards the board " WASH BASIN "

Interviewer: just imagine your in 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape?
Sardar: its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!

Sardar declares:

.... . . I will never marry in my life&. . ..

.... . . I'll give same advice to my children also. . . .. .

=========================================

SARDAR talking on cell.

2ND SARDAR: kis se baat kar raho ho.

1ST: biwi se.....

2ND: itne... pyar se....?

1ST: tumhari hai. . .

==========================================

A donkey kicked sardar & ran away

sardar ran to catch the donkey. He saw a zebra & started beating it &

said 'SALA Tracksuit pahan ke dhoka de raha hai'.

==========================================

SLAM BOOK filled by Santa.

1.Strength:My wife,Jeeto.

2.Weakness:Banta's wife,Preeto.

3.Oppurtunity:When Banta is on tour.

4.Threat:When I am on tour

======================================

sardar: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.

Jeeto: Yes darling I still do, only differnece is earlier it was 300ml

now it's 1.5 ltr.

===================================

On Jeeto's bday

Sardar had no money, so he sent a cheque of 100 kisses.

When he returns home Jeeto said: Thanks I got cheque cashed from bank manager.

======================================

teacher: make a sentence in which 1 word repeated 4 times

sardar: lara dutta marries brian lara and she becomes lara lara

====================================

Teacher: is line ki english banao, usne apna kaam kiya or karta hi gya.

Santa: He done his work and done dana dan done dana dan....

==========================================

Santa went to mysore palace.

Tourist guide - santaji plz dont sit there, its Tipu sultan's chair

Santa - oye dont worry yaar i'll get up wen he comes.!!..
******************************************************

Sardar declares:

.... . . I will never marry in my life&. . ..

.... . . I'll give same advice to my children also. . . .. .

=========================================

SARDAR talking on cell.

2ND SARDAR: kis se baat kar raho ho.

1ST: biwi se.....

2ND: itne... pyar se....?

1ST: tumhari hai. . .

==========================================

A donkey kicked sardar & ran away

sardar ran to catch the donkey. He saw a zebra & started beating it &

said 'SALA Tracksuit pahan ke dhoka de raha hai'.

==========================================

SLAM BOOK filled by Santa.

1.Strength:My wife,Jeeto.

2.Weakness:Banta's wife,Preeto.

3.Oppurtunity:When Banta is on tour.

4.Threat:When I am on tour
======================================

sardar: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.

Jeeto: Yes darling I still do, only differnece is earlier it was 300ml

now it's 1.5 ltr.

===================================

On Jeeto's bday

Sardar had no money, so he sent a cheque of 100 kisses.

When he returns home Jeeto said: Thanks I got cheque cashed from bank

manager.

======================================

teacher: make a sentence in which 1 word repeated 4 times

sardar: lara dutta marries brian lara and she becomes lara lara

====================================

Teacher: is line ki english banao, usne apna kaam kiya or karta hi gya.

Santa: He done his work and done dana dan done dana dan....

==========================================

Santa went to mysore palace.

Tourist guide - santaji plz dont sit there, its Tipu sultan's chair

Santa - oye dont worry yaar i'll get up wen he comes.!!..

**************************************
Secret of long life...
Morning 2 eggs
Evening 2 pegs and
Night 2 legs
************************************************************************
Girl to Mom: when I see the neighbor's son, my bra tightens.
Mom: Next time, don't wear the bra, his pant would tighten
************************************************************************
A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady
pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping
him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please".
With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck
me!"
The guy replies, "Make it 100 then..."
***********************************************************************
What similar things would you want in your coffee and girl friend?
Should be hot
Should be rich
Should be creamy
Should be able to keep you awake all night!
************************************************************************
Santa: Have you ever fucked your girlfriend in the other hole?
Banta: Are you mad? She'll get pregnant
************************************************************************
Q:What's the biggest tragedy in the movie Sholay?
A: Well, first of all the Thakur's wife dies & then to make matter worse
Gabbar cut off Thakur's hand
************************************************************************
A prostitute goes to a Bank to deposit a 1000 rupee note. The teller
says,'Sorry Madam, the note is a fake.
''Oh my God! exclaimed the prostitute,'I have been raped.'
************************************************************************
Prostitute: doc, my hole is too big.
Doctor looks into the hole & says GOD...GOD...GOD...
Prostitute: Why are you repeating the word God?
Doctor: It was an ECHO!
************************************************************************
Doc: Why your knees all blistered ? Lady: Because of doggy style sex!
Doc: Can't you do it any other style? Lady: Oh, I can, Doc, but the dog
can't!
************************************************************************
One day a man goes to bank for withdrawing cash.
Lady cashier asked: So so ke loge?
Man replied: Khade khade bhi chalega.
************************************************************************
A Girl lodging a FIR report against the Rapist
Girl : Inspector saab, char mein ek ne mere breast pakde,
ek ne meri gand mari,
ek ne choda,
ek ne chooma.
Inspector : Bus kar, FIR likha rahi hai....
Ya land khada kar rahi hai.
************************************************************************
A lady lost 3 panties in her house.
She asked her husband but he didn't know.
Husband asked maid.
Maid replied: Saab, aapko to maloom hai mai aandar kuchh nahi pahanti.
************************************************************************
Man went to a bakery & asks
MAN : Abe pau hai kya?
BAKERYWALA : To kya madarchod, lund pe khada hu kya?
************************************************************************
Lady dashes a man while getting in the bus ....
Man : Apne santre sambhaliye ma'm, they disturb me.
Lady : (Angrily) Tumko kya, santre mere hai na.
Man : Haan par juice to mera nikal raha hai.
************************************************************************
Saas aur bahu me hamesha anban kyo?
Kyonki jis ladke ki underwear saas ne 25 saal sambhali Who bahu ne 2 minute
me utari.
************************************************************************
Teacher: Kya cheez muh mein nahin leni chahiye.
Student: Jalta hua bulb
Teacher: Why ?
Student: kal raat ko mummy papa se keh rdhi thi "Bulb bujha do to muh mein
loongi"
************************************************************************
Sardar : How u got pregnant without me?
Wife : I was praying ur ID photo daily.
Sardar : Chutiya banati hai, photo to passport size ka hai, samaan kahan
hai?
************************************************************************
Sardar with big tummy go for walk in lungi.
One girl jokingly ask : Ye matka kitne ka?
He lift lungi & says : Nul ke saath 450 ka.
************************************************************************
sardar havin sex with his wife when his condom went in.
wife asked: Ab kya hoga?
Sardar: kuchh nahi, bachcha pagdi ke saath aaega.
************************************************************************
Sardar : Maine ladka maanga tha ladki kaise ho gayi?
Sardarni : Tumhare bharose rahati to ye bhi nahi hoti.
***********************************************************************
Sardar : Lets try something different. Do it in ears.
Sardarni : Hohji, main behra ho gayi to?
Sardar : Aaj tak goongi hui kya?
************************************************************************
(A man visits his doctor and.....)
Man : Doc, mera khada nahi hota hai.
Doctor : do u have girlfriend?
Man : No
Doctor : Do u visit pros?
Man : No
Doctor : Do u go for mujra?
Man : No
Doctor : To khada karke uspar kya coat taangega?
************************************************************************
Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary
to carry a current in A.C.as compared to D.C. ?
Candidate: An AC current goes up and down
(drawing a sinusoid) and requires more space inside
the
wire, so the wire has to be thicker.
************************************************************************************

Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall
outlet carries AC or DC?
Candidate: I will put my finger in. If it is
pushed away, it is AC. If it gets stuck, it was DC.
************************************************************************************

Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an
Induction motor?
Candidate: I will remove the four bolts at the
x-ud, turn the motor around, and put back the bolts.
************************************************************************************
Interviewer: How do y! ou start a synchronous
mo! tor?
Candidate: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising
pitch)
Interviewer: Stop! Stop!
Candidate: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling
pitch)
************************************************************************************

Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an
integrated
circuit?
Candidate: By using a miniature circuit breaker.
************************************************************************************
External (to student) : "Why does a capacitor block DC
but allow
AC To pass through ?
Student: See, a capacitor is like this ---| |--- ,
OK. DC comes straight, like this ----------,
and the capacitor stops it. But AC,goes UP, DOWN, UP
DOWN and
jumps right over the
capacitor!"
************************************************************************************
Examiner: "What is a step-up transformer?"
Student: "A transformer that is put on top of electric
poles."
Examiner (smiling): "And then what is a step-down
transformer?"
Student (hesitantly):"Uh - A transformer that is put
in the
x-udment or in a pit?"
Examiner (pouncing): "Then what do you call a
transformer that i! s
installed on the ground?"
(Student knows he is caught-can't answer)
Examiner (impatiently): "Well?"
Student (triumphantly): "A stepless transformer, sir!"

**************************************************************************************************************


TOP FACTS ABOUT ENGINEERS
************************************************************************************

Engineers at work:
Assignments solved by one and then carry out mass
transfer operations throughout the class
************************************************************************************

The most important machine for Engineers:
Xerox Machine (Without which assignment Completion
couldn't be possible)
************************************************************************************
Top two Engineering Rumours:
! Did you hear the results are being put up today at
5:30pm'
'Did you hear the exams are postponed by two weeks
************************************************************************************
The most dreaded acronym for Engineers: ATKT ( After
Trying Keep Trying)
************************************************************************************
Common Engineering Dialogues after a paper:
'What is this pal, 60% of the paper was out of the
syllabus' 'This was the worst paper set in the entire
engineering history' 'I am failing'
************************************************************************************
mere... Company kee ladkiyaan sunder hain Aur lonely hain...
Problem ye hai ki bus voh READ-ONLY hain...

Shayad mere pyar ko taste Karna bhool gaye...
Dil sey aisa CUT kiya ke PASTE karna bhool gaye..

Tumhare samne hain itney items Kabhi hame bhi pick karo...
Hamare pyar ke ICON pe Kabhi to tum DOUBLE-CLICK karo...

Roz subha hum karte hai Itne pyar se unhe good morning...
Woh humhe ghoor kar dekhte hain Jaise 0 ERRORS but 5 WARNINGS...

Ho gayi galti humse, Click ho gaya mouse
Duniya ki parwaah chhodo, ban jaao meri spouse!

Tumse mila main kal to, Mere dil mein hua ek sound,
Lekin aaj tum mili To kehti ho: Your file not found!

Ab aur kaho na tum, "but" ya "if"
Tum ho meri zindagi ki animated gif

Aysa bhi nahin hai ke, I don ' t likeyour face
Par dil ke computer mein, Nahin hai enough disk space

Ghar se nikalti ho tum jab, Pehen ke evening gown
Too many requests se, Ho jaata hai server down

Tumhaare liye pyaar ki application, Create main karoonga
Tum usse debug karna, Wait main karoonga

Tumhaara intezaar karte karte, Main so gaya
Yeh dekho mera connection, Time out ho gaya

Kya chaal hai tumhaari, Jaise chalti hai koi cat
What is your ICQ number, Aao karein chat

Tum jabse meri zindagi, mein aayi ho banke female,
Yaad raha na ab kuch, Na postman , Na e-Mail

Joh sadiyaon se hota aaya hai Woh repeat kar doonga...
Tu naa mili to tujhko dil sey Ctrl+Alt+Delete kar doonga...

Humse Kya Khata Hui Ki message Aanna Band Hai.......
Aap hi humse naraz hain ya Web Server band hai.......

Badli hai duniya , kuchch mein bhi badal gaya hoon
Pahle bekaar tha ab S/W Programmer ban gaya hoon

VC aaye to VB mein daal do,
VC aaye to VB mein daal do
seedhe seedhe sabko museebat mein daal do

Project extend ho gaya to kya ho jaata hai?
Are Tankha milti hai aur timepass ho jata hai..

teri yaad me sanam raat bhar humne to wine piya
teri yaad me sanam raat bhar humne to wine piya
kabhi offline to kabhi online piya

Pyar ke sitaare jab gardish mein hote hai
Pyar ke sitaare jab gardish mein hote hai
Laila ghar mein aur majnoo project testing kar rahe hote hai

*******************************************************
*******************************************************


This is a real story of a young college girl who passed away last month in
Chandigarh . Her name was Priya. She was hit by a truck.
She was work in g in a call center. She had a boy friend named Shankar.
Both of them were true lovers. They always talked on the phone.
You used to be never found without her without handphone. In fact she also
changed her cell connection from
Airtel to Hutch, so that both of them can
be on the same network, and save on the cost.

She used to spend half of the day talk in g with shankar.
Priya's family knew about their relationship.. Shankar was very close to
Priya's family as well. (Just
imag in e their
love) . Before she passed away she always told her friends 'If I pass away
please burn me with my handphone' she also said the same th in g to her
parents.

After her death, people cudnt carry her body, A lot of them tried to do so

but still cant everybody had tried to carry the body, the results were the
same. Eventually, they called a person known to one of their neighbours, who
can speak with the soul of dead person and who was a friend of her father.

He took a stick and
started speak in g to himself slowly.

After a few m in utes, he said 'this girl misses someth in g here.' Then her
friends told that person about her in tentions to burn her with her phone.
He then opened the grave box and place her phone and sim card in side the
casket. After that they tried to carry the body. It was then moved easily
and they then carried her in to the van.

All of us were shocked. Priya's parents did not in form Shankar that Priya
had passed away..



After 2 weeks Shankar
called Priya's mom.......

Shankar :....'Aunty, I'm com in g home today. Cook someth in g nice for me.
Don't tell Priya that I'm com in g home today, I wanna surprise her.'
Her mother replied..... 'You come home first, I wanna tell you someth in g
very
important.'

After he came, they told him the truth about Priya.
Shankar th in ks
that they were play in g a fool. He was laugh in g and said 'don't try to fool
me - tell Priya to come out, i have a gift for her... Please stop this nonsense'.

Then they show him the orig in al death certificate to him.
They gave him proof to make him believe. (Shankar started to sweat) He
said... 'Its not true. We spoke yesterday.. She still calls me.
Shankar was shak in g.

Suddenly, Shankar's phone rang. 'see this is from Priya, see this....'
he showed the phone to priya's family. all of them told him to answer. he
talked us in g the loudspeaker mode.

All of them heard his conversation.

Loud and clear, no cross l in es, no humm in g.

It is the actual voice of Priya & there is no way others could use her sim
card s in ce it is nailed in side the grave box

They were so shocked and asked
for the same person's
(who can speak with the soul of deal persons) help aga in . He brought his
master to solve this matter.

He & his master

worked for 5 hours.

Then they discovered one th in g which really shocked them....

Vodafone has the best coverage.

'Where ever you go, our network follows!!!'

===========================================================
A BIHARI WAS WORKING IN MUMBAI, AND DID NOT MEET HIS wife for four (4) years while his wife was in Patna ( Bihar).
At the end of 4 years he distributed sweets to his colleagues in office stating that his wife had delivered a son.

His colleagues were quite shocked and they asked how this 'Ha ppy event' happened when he had not seen his wife for four years...
The man said it is common in Bihar that neighbours take care of the wife (good Samaritans) when men are away.
The colleagues asked him, 'What name will you give to the son?'
The man explained,
'If its the second neighbour who has taken care,then the name would be 'DWIVEDI';

If it is the third neighbour then it would be 'TRIVEDI',

If it is the fourth neighbour then it would be 'CHATURVEDI';

If its the fifth neighbour then it would be 'PANDEY'...
After listening to this, questions followed.

What if it is a mixture of neighbours?
'Then the boy would be named 'MISHRA'...

And what if the wife is too shy to tell the name of the neighbour?
Then it would be 'SHARMA'...

But what if she refuses to divulge the name of the neighbour?
Then the name of the child would be 'GUPTA'...

If she does not remember the name then?
'It is YAAD-AV'

But who knows whether the child resulted from a rape?
Then it will be named 'DOSHI'...

Finally, if the child happened because of wife's burning desire?
Then he will be named 'JOSHI'...

And if the whole country had made efforts for the happy arrival?....
'DESHPANDEY.'

(blonde jokes, clean jokes, jokes com, short jokes, adult jokes, phone jokes, racist jokes, birthday jokes, lawyer jokes, hilarious jokes, humor jokes, funniest jokes, bush jokes, bad jokes, bar jokes, jokes one liners, polish jokes, sms jokes, sexist jokes, funny dirty jokes, office humor,story jokes)

Santa to Doctor: I have loose motions & I am not able to stop it.
Doctor: did you try lemon ?
Santa : yes , but whn i remove it , it starts again ….

Definition of Kiss
In GEOMETRY- Kiss is a shortest distance between two lips in 90 degree angle
In Economics - Kiss is the thing for which Demand is always higher than supply
In Physics - kiss is a process to charge body for other transmission
In I T - Kiss is just like a bluethooth in which 2 bodies are connected without any data cable


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He Asked Symonds

He Asked Hayden

He Asked Kaif Too

At Last got frm Harbhajan

At Last got frm Harbhajan

Thanks Bhajji

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