CLASSIFIEDS: WANTED WIFE

A news paper had a humour page with following matrimonials published in it.

BANKER:

Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

CAR MECHANIC:

Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition. Should be above average and must run the household at a good average.

DOCTOR:

Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making me desirous of marriage.

I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded and keeps away from all sins be it anasin, metasin or crosin. I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects. Apply or reply.

DRUNKER:

Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory. I am an occasional alchoholic who drinks only when friends come home.

Friends come home only seven times a week.
Girl preffered will carry me from bar to ghar-bar.
Meet personally or send soda for trial. Sample should be ample.

LAWYER:

I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage.
The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl.
The girl should be strictly a girl.
The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord I.
Myself. Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained.
Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence.

SOFTWARE ENGINEER

Wanted a Girl with a Lovely Look & Feel, Good GUI with Security features (privileges only for the Specific User especially critical Functionalities) .

There must not be any Critical or Medium Bug in her.

LowBugs can be deferred But needs to B fixed by the Next Build. She Must not be PLATFORM INDEPENDENT, USER FRIENDLY. We are ready to Test the Application & CERTIFY the product but we will assure it will never be released to ANY OTHER Customer.

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BELIEVING IN PRAYERS

In a small town in India, a person decided to open up his Bar business,
which was right opposite to the Temple. The Temple its congregation
started a campaign to block the Bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business.

Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to
open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the Bar and it was burnt
to the ground.

The temple folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the Bar owner sued the Temple authorities on the grounds that the Temple through its congregation prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his bar shop, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

In its reply to the court, the temple vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar shop's demise.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented:

I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the
paperwork,

'we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer

and

we have an entire temple and its devotees that doesn't.'

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GUARDIAN ANGEL

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, 'Stop ! Stand still ! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.'

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. 'Who are you?'

'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.

'Oh, yeah?' the man said 'And where the hell were you when I got married?

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CREDIT CARD OF FATHER

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.

They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand..

Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced :
' Ladies and Gentlemen . Today is the luckiest day of my life ...' Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued,
'My daughter finally, finally returned my Credit Card to me.'

The whole audience including the priest started laughing . . . . .
But not the poor Groom ! ! !


SHARING IS SEXY

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PLEASE SUGGEST TITLE FOR THIS PICTURE

Please have a look at the image below.
It is a very important image and will test all of you.

What you have to do is give a title for this....

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EQUATION OF MAN & WOMAN

Equation 1

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Human = Donkey + Work + enjoy
Therefore:
Human-enjoy = Donkey + Work
In other words,
Human that don't know enjoy = Donkey that work.
-----------------------------------------------

Equation 2

Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Men = Donkry + earn money
Therefore:
Men-earn money = Donkey
In other words
Men who d'nt earn mony = Donkey

-------------------------------
Equation 3

Women= eat + sleep + spend
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Women = Donkey + spend
Women - spend = Donkey
In other words,
Women who don't spend = Donkey

------------------------------
To Conclude:

From Equation 2 and Equation 3
Men who don't earn money = Women who don't spend
So Men earn money not to let women become donkey!
And women spend not to let men become donkey!
So, We have:
Men + Women = Donkey + earn money + Donkey + Spend money
Therefore from postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude
Men + Women = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!

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INDIANS ARE INDIANS

Once a english man came to india as a tourist.

He appointed a guide for him.First the guide took the man to Taj Mahal to show him the beauty of the monument.

The english man asked "how many years did it take to build this one". The guide replied "it took about 20 full years ".............."20 years!!" said the english with a haughty voice and further said "our english men would have built in 10 yrs"......


The next day the guide took him to the 'Hawa Mahal' in Rajasthan....the english asked" how many years did it take to built this one".....

the guide replied "almost 10 years".................."10 years!!!" said the english,"our men would have built it in 5 yrs"....................


The Indian guide thought that this particular english man is trying to insult the wonders and that's where our Indian Attitude plugs in............


The next day seeing the 'Qutub Minar' the english asked the same question..........the with astonishing look said " Oh my God.....this tower looks great it was'nt there yesterday"

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WHY THEY DONT LIKE INDIANS. VERY FUNNY

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let us begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F**k the Indians.'

'Now,who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? S**k this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997! '

Now with almost mob hysteria, someone said 'You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson (RIP) to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And, as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh sh*t, we're screwed!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people, November 4th, 2008".(recession)

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PARTICIPANTS FOR KISSING COMPETITION

DEAR FRIENDS,

THERE IS A KISSING COMPETITION THAT WILL BE ARRANGED SOON AND THE ORGANIZERS WANT PARTICIPANTS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD.

AS YOU KNOW ME, I THOUGHT TO SPREAD THIS WORLD AND INFORM EVERYONE ON THE WEB TO REGISTER THEIR NAMES FOR FREE FREE FREE !!!

BELOW ARE THE DETAILS ABOUT THE WHOLE COMPETITION AND REGISTRATION PROCESS FOR THE COMPETITION.

STARTING TIME IS 7 SECONDS AND IT WILL BE FURTHER EXTENDED BASED ON THE SCORES OF INDIVIDUALS GETTING SHORTLISTED.

THIS ENTIRE COMPETITION WILL GO ON FOR 3 DAYS AND WINNERS WILL BE DECLARED IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE COMPETITION.

PLEASE BE READY AND LETS MAKE THIS COMPETITION A REAL ONE WITH ALL OF US.

ADVERTISEMENT BELOW...

Entrants Required for KISSING Competition


7 minutes non stop kissing, full French kissing with tongues and you could win:


£5,000.00 voucher from Thomas Cook Travel



£2,000.00 IKEA voucher, and



£1,500.00 NEXT voucher



plus £10,000.00 in cash

PARTNER FOR THE LADIES

PARTNER FOR THE GUYS

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ALPHABET SENIOR VERSION

A for arthritis,
B for bad back,
C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)
H high blood pressure [I'd rather have low)
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
K is for my knees that crack when they're bent
(Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent)
L for libido--what happened to sex?
M is for Metamusil
N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck
O is for osteo-and all bones that crack
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu?
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears
T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
U is for urinary: difficulties with flow
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know.
W is worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray--and what might be found.
Y for another year I've left behind
Z is for zest that I still have my mind,

Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed, And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!!

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