LOVE IS BLIND ON VALENTINE DAY

Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub.

He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes.

Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, 'I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just £10 but on one condition.'

The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance, 'What's your condition?'

Phil answered, 'Tell me your wish in just three words.'

There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address.

She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, 'Clean my house.'

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

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A DESI COUPLE IN A LUXURY HOTEL

An older Desi couple having taken all their past vacations either staying at
home, or at friends’ and relatives’ homes in other cities decided now to
stay in a top name luxury Hotel for an experience in a resort city and to
cash an off-season discount coupon.

They came to the grandiose hotel, got their room keys and Bellman started
escorting them.

A door opened, Husband and wife looked at each other with a big gasp.

Desi always devised their games to get better and more return for their
money. The outspoken wife with tacit consent from the husband started
blasting at the Bellman.

"You know we are from India. You can't fool us. You promise grand room,
great view and this room does not even have a window, I don't see any
bathroom. Do we have to toilet in the lobby? You think we don't know it. We
have a distant cousin running a grocery store here in town, we will stay
with them. I want to talk to your manager and we want our money back’’

The bellman explained politely, “Ma'am this is not your room. This is just
our elevator to take you to your room.”

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MEN WILL TRY EVERYTHING

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan.

Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting he called down
to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall
from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00,
and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to
buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and
surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures,
$20.00'. 'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his
hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen
seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men
Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways,
put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some
anticipation, stuck his manhood into the pening. When the machine started
buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen
seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender
unit. Which now had a button sewn neatly on the end...

Ouch!!!!Ouch!!!!Ouch!!!!

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20 Dollars For You

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".

His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."

She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars".

"Ah, yes." says the man. "He pee'd in my trousers too".

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MORNING NEWSPAPER

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,

So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,

So I could have a new one everyday.

A Loving Husband

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for just $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried in the holy land and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

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JAPAN FAST OR INDIA FASTER ???

There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing.On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!.

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.

Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!The Japanese exclaimed, "What??… so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, Made in India.......VERY VERY FAST !!!!!

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A SMALL POETRY

When God gave out brains,

I thought He said trains,

And I said I'd take the next one.


When God gave out looks,

I thought He said books,

And I didn't want any.


When God gave out noses,

I thought He said roses,

And I ordered a big one.


When God gave out legs,

I thought He said kegs,

So I ordered two fat ones.


When God gave out ears,

I thought He said beers,

So I ordered two long ones.


When God gave out chins,

I thought He said gins,

So I said, "Give me a double."


God, am I a mess!!

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PREGNANT WOMAN IN BUS

A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused.

She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?"

"I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man.
"But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.'

Then you sat under an ad that read 'Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling.'

Then you moved under a deodorant advertisement which read 'William's Stick Did the Trick.'

And I just couldn't hold it in any longer when you moved a fourth time and sat under a tire advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident.'"

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I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK

The teacher told the class that today they’d be guessing objects from physical description.

She said, "I will hold an object under my desk and physically describe it to you, and then class, you have to tell me what you think it is I have under my desk."

First the teacher said, "I have something long and yellow, what is it?"
Sally raises her hand and the teacher calls on her, "What do you think it is Sally?"
"It’s a banana", replied Sally.
"No, it’s a pencil" said the teacher, "But I like the way you think."

Next the teacher said, "I’m holding something round and red, what is it?"
Billy raises his hand and the teacher calls on him, "What do you think it is Billy?"
"It’s a tomato" says Billy.
"No, it’s an apple" says the teacher, "but I like the way you think."

Little Johnny raises his hand so the teacher calls on him and says, "Yes Little Johnny."
"Well Ms. Smith, I have one for you" says Little Johnny.
"Okay says the teacher."
"What’s round, hard, and has a head?" replied Little Johnny.
"Oh no, Little Johnny that is not appropriate for school at all." says the teacher.

"It’s a quarter" says Little Johnny, "but I like the way you think."

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