1 LINE HUMOUR

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something

[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

[22] Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.

[23]Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

[24]Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

[25]It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

[26]There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

[27]There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!

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Overconfidence

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.


The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said,


"But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.


The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."




"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.


The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.


"No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
.
.
.
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

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Funny Story - WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY

Presenting one more small & funny story...
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up onthat morning..
I went downstairs for breakfasthoping my wife would be pleasant and say,'Happy Birthday!',and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,she barely said good morning,let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....
Well, that's marriage for you,but the kids...They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfastand didn't say a word..So when I left for the office,I felt pretty lowand somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,my secretary Jane said,'Good Morning Boss,and by the wayHappy Birthday ! 'It felt a little betterthat at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,when Jane knocked on my doorand said, 'You know,It's such a beautiful day outside,and it is your Birthday,what do you say we go out to lunch,just you and me..'I said, 'Thanks, Jane,that's the greatest thingI've heard all day.Let's go !'
We went to lunch.But we didn't gowhere we normally would go.She chose instead at a quiet bistrowith a private table.We had two martinis eachand I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,Jane said, 'You know,It's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go straight back to the office,Do We ?'
I responded,'I guess not.What do you have in mind ?'She said,'Let's drop by my apartment,it's just around the corner..'
After arriving at her apartment,Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind,I'm going to step into the bedroomfor just a moment.I'll be right back.''Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,after a couple of minutes,she came outcarrying a huge birthday cake ...Followedby my wife,my kids,and dozens of my friendsand co-workers,all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch... Naked.

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FOUR WIVES

There was a rich merchant who had 4 wives. He loved the 4th wife the most and adorned her with rich robes and treated her to delicacies. He took great care of her and gave her nothing but the best.
He also loved the 3rd wife very much. He's very proud of her and always wanted to show off her to his friends. However, the merchant is always in great fear that she might run away with some other men.
He too, loved his 2nd wife. She is a very considerate person, always patient and in fact is the merchant's confidante. Whenever the merchant faced some problems, he always turned to his 2nd wife and she would always help him out and tide him through difficult times.
Now, the merchant's 1st wife is a very loyal partner and has made great contributions in maintaining his wealth and business as well as taking care of the household. However, the merchant did not love the first wife and although she loved him deeply, he hardly took notice of her.
One day, the merchant fell ill. Before long, he knew that he was going to die soon. He thought of his luxurious life and told himself, "Now I have 4 wives with me.. But when I die, I'll be alone. How lonely I'll be!"
Thus, he asked the 4th wife, "I loved you most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?" "No way!" replied the 4th wife and she walked away without another word.
The answer cut like a sharp knife right into the merchant's heart. The sad merchant then asked the 3rd wife, "I have loved you so much for all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?" "No!" replied the 3rd wife. "Life is so good over here! I'm going to remarry when you die!" The merchant's heart sank and turned cold.
He then asked the 2nd wife, "I always turned to you for help and you've always helped me out. Now I need your help again. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?" "I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!" replied the 2nd wife. "At the very most, I can only send you to your grave." The answer came like a bolt of thunder and the merchant was devastated.
Then a voice called out : "I'll leave with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go." The merchant looked up and there was his first wife. She was so skinny, almost like she suffered from malnutrition. Greatly grieved, the merchant said, "I should have taken much better care of you while I could have !"

Moral : Actually, we all have 4 wives in our lives

A. The 4th wife is our body. No matter how much time and effort we lavish in making it look good, it'll leave us when we die.

B. Our 3rd wife ? Our possessions, status and wealth. When we die, they all go to others.

C. The 2nd wife is our family and friends. No matter how close they had been there for us when we're alive, the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave.

D. The 1st wife is in fact our soul, often neglected in our pursuit of material, wealth and sensual pleasure.


Guess what?
It is actually the only thing that follows us wherever we go.
Perhaps it's a good idea to cultivate and strengthen it now rather than to wait until we're on our deathbed to lament.

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TAX STRUCTURE IN INDIA

1) GOVT. : What are you doing?
INDIAN : Business.
Tax : PAY PROFESSIONAL TAX!

2) GOVT. : What are you doing in Business?
INDIAN : Selling the Goods.
Tax : PAY SALES TAX!!

3) GOVT. : From where are you getting Goods?
INDIAN : From other State/Abroad
Tax : PAY CENTRAL SALES TAX, CUSTOM DUTY & OCTROI!

4) GOVT. : What are you getting in Selling Goods?
INDIAN : Profit.
Tax : PAY INCOME TAX!

5) GOVT. : How do you distribute profit ?
INDIAN : By way of dividend
Tax : Pay dividend distribution Tax

6) GOVT. : Where you Manufacturing the Goods?
INDIAN : Factory.
Tax : PAY EXCISE DUTY!

7) GOVT. : Do you have Office / Warehouse/ Factory?
INDIAN : Yes
Tax : PAY MUNICIPAL & FIRE TAX!

8) GOVT. : Do you have Staff?
INDIAN : Yes
Tax : PAY STAFF PROFESSIONAL TAX!

9) GOVT. : Doing business in Millions?
INDIAN : Yes
Tax : PAY TURNOVER TAX!
INDIAN : No
Tax : Then pay Minimum Alternate Tax

10) GOVT. : Are you taking out over 25,000 Cash from Bank?
INDIAN : Yes, for Salary.
Tax : PAY CASH HANDLING TAX!

11) GOVT.: Where are you taking your client for Lunch & Dinner?
INDIAN : Hotel
Tax : PAY FOOD & ENTERTAINMENT TAX!

12) GOVT.: Are you going Out of Station for Business?
INDIAN : Yes
Tax : PAY FRINGE BENEFIT TAX!

13) GOVT.: Have you taken or given any Service/s?
INDIAN : Yes
Tax : PAY SERVICE TAX!

14) GOVT.: How come you got such a Big Amount?
INDIAN : Gift on birthday.
Tax : PAY GIFT TAX!

15) GOVT.: Do you have any Wealth?
INDIAN : Yes
Tax : PAY WEALTH TAX!

16) GOVT..: To reduce Tension, for entertainment, where are you going?
INDIAN : Cinema or Resort.
Tax : PAY ENTERTAINMENT TAX!

17) GOVT.: Have you purchased House?
INDIAN : Yes
Tax : PAY STAMP DUTY & REGISTRATION FEE !

18) GOVT.: How you Travel?
INDIAN : Bus
Tax : PAY SURCHARGE!

19) GOVT.: Any Additional Tax?
INDIAN : Yes
Tax : PAY EDUCATIONAL, ADDITIONAL EDUCATIONAL & SURCHARGE ON ALL THE
CENTRAL GOVT.'s TAX !!!

20) GOVT.: Delayed any time Paying Any Tax?
INDIAN : Yes
Tax : PAY INTEREST & PENALTY!

21) INDIAN : can i die now??
GOVT : Wait! we are about to launch the FUNERAL TAX!!!

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LESSONS TO BE LEARNT FROM MARWADIS

God & Marwadi...!!

A Marwadi having no child, no money, no home, and have a blind mother, prays to God.

God being happy with his prays, grants him only ONE wish!

Marwadi : I want my mother to see my wife putting Diamond bangles on my Child's hands in our new home!

God : Damn !!! I still have a lot to learn from these Marwadi's

Lessons learnt from the above story:-Compile all requirements and present in one line rather boring appraiser for long time.

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EMOTIONS SAVES RELATIONSHIPS

Presenting you a small story showing importance of emotions in life...

Priya married Hitesh this day. At the end of the wedding party,

Priya's mother gave her a newly opened bank saving passbook
With Rs.1000 deposit amount.

Mother: 'Priya, take this passbook. Keep it as a record of your
marriage life. When there'ssomething happy and memorable happened in
your new life,
put some money in. Write down what it's about next to the line.
The more memorable the event is, the more money you can put in. I've done
the first one for you today. Do the others with Hitesh.When you look back
after years, you can know how much happiness you've had.'

Priya shared this with Hitesh when getting home. They both thought it was a
great idea and were anxious to know when the second deposit can be made.

This was what they did after certain time:

- 7 Feb: Rs.100, first birthday celebration for Hitesh after marriage

- 1 Mar: Rs.300, salary raise for Priya

- 20 Mar: Rs.200, vacation trip to Bali

- 15 Apr: Rs.2000, Priya got pregnant

- 1 Jun: Rs.1000, Hitesh got promoted ..... and so on...

However, after years, they started fighting and arguing for trivial things.
They didn't talk much. They regretted that they had married the most nasty
people in the world.... no more love...Kind of typical nowadays, huh?

One day Priya talked to her Mother:

'Mom, we can't stand it anymore. We agree to divorce. I can't imagine how I
decided to marry this guy!!!'

Mother: 'Sure, girl, that's no big deal. Just do whatever you want if you
really can't stand it. But before that, do one thing first. Remember the
saving passbook I gave you on your wedding day? Take out all money and spend
it first. You shouldn't keep any record of such a poor marriage.'


Priya thought it was true. So she went to the bank, waiting at the queue and
planning to cancel the account.

While she was waiting, she took a look at the passbook record. She looked,
and looked, and looked. Then the memory of all the previous joy and
happiness just came up her mind. Her eyes were then filled with tears. She
left and went home.

When she was home, she handed the passbook to Hitesh, asked him to spend the
money before getting divorce.

The next day, Hitesh gave the passbook back to Priya. She found a new
deposit of Rs.5000. And a line next to the record: 'This is the day I notice
how much I've loved you thru out all these years. How much happiness you've
brought me.'

They hugged and cried, putting the passbook back to the safe.

Do you know how much money they had saved when they retired? I did not ask.
I believe the money did not matter any more after they had gone thru all the
good years in their life.

"When you fall, in any way,

Don't see the place where you fell, Instead see the place from where
you slipped.

Life is about correcting mistakes."

4 THINGS YOU PROBABLY NEVER KNEW YOUR MOBILE PHONE COULD DO

There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies. Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival. Check out the things that you can do with it:

ONE:EMERGENCY
The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile; network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked. Try it out.

Two: Have you locked your keys in the car?
Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday. Good reason to
own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their mobile phone from your cell phone.
Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock. Saves
someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object.
You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other 'remote'
for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).

Three: Hidden Battery Power
Imagine your mobile battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370# Your mobile will
restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your mobile next time.

Four: How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?
To check your mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone!: * # 0 6 #, a 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless.
You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't
use/sell it either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile
phones.

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Roses for a Dime - A Nice Story

Bobby was getting cold sitting out in his back yard in the snow. Bobby didn't wear boots; he didn't like them and anyway he didn't own any. The thin sneakers he wore had a few holes in them and they did a poor job of keeping out the cold.

Bobby had been in his backyard for about an hour already. And, try as he might, he could not come up with an idea for his mother's Christmas gift. He shook his head as he thought, "This is useless, even if I do come up with an idea, I don't have any money to spend."

Ever since his father had passed away three years ago, the family of five had struggled. It wasn't because his mother didn't care, or try, there just never seemed to be enough. She worked nights at the hospital, but the small wage that she was earning could only be stretched so far.

What the family lacked in money and material things, they more than made up for in love and family unity. Bobby had two older and one younger sister, who ran the household in their mother's absence.

All three of his sisters had already made beautiful gifts for their mother. Somehow it just wasn't fair. Here it was Christmas Eve already, and he had nothing.

Wiping a tear from his eye, Bobby kicked the snow and started to walk down to the street where the shops and stores were. It wasn't easy being six without a father, especially when he needed a man to talk to.

Bobby walked from shop to shop, looking into each decorated window. Everything seemed so beautiful and so out of reach. It was starting to get dark and Bobby reluctantly turned to walk home when suddenly his eyes caught the glimmer of the setting sun's rays reflecting off of something along the curb. He reached down and discovered a shiny dime.

Never before has anyone felt so wealthy as Bobby felt at that moment. As he held his new found treasure, a warmth spread throughout his entire body and he walked into the first store he saw. His excitement quickly turned cold when salesperson after salesperson told him that he could not buy anything with only a dime.

He saw a flower shop and went inside to wait in line. When the shop owner asked if he could help him, Bobby presented the dime and asked if he could buy one flower for his mother's Christmas gift. The shop owner looked at Bobby and his ten cent offering. Then he put his hand on Bobby's shoulder and said to him, "You just wait here and I'll see what I can do for you."

As Bobby waited, he looked at the beautiful flowers and even though he was a boy, he could see why mothers and girls liked flowers.

The sound of the door closing as the last customer left, jolted Bobby back to reality. All alone in the shop, Bobby began to feel alone and afraid.

Suddenly the shop owner came out and moved to the counter. There, before Bobby's eyes, lay twelve long stem, red roses, with leaves of green and tiny white flowers all tied together with a big silver bow. Bobby's heart sank as the owner picked them up and placed them gently into a long white box.

"That will be ten cents young man." the shop owner said reaching out his hand for the dime. Slowly, Bobby moved his hand to give the man his dime. Could this be true? No one else would give him a thing for his dime! Sensing the boy's reluctance, the shop owner added, "I just happened to have some roses on sale for ten cents a dozen. Would you like them?"

This time Bobby did not hesitate, and when the man placed the long box into his hands, he knew it was true. Walking out the door that the owner was holding for Bobby, he heard the shop keeper say, "Merry Christmas, son."

As he returned inside, the shop keepers wife walked out. "Who were you talking to back there and where are the roses you were fixing?"

Staring out the window, and blinking the tears from his own eyes, he replied, "A strange thing happened to me this morning. While I was setting up things to open the shop, I thought I heard a voice telling me to set aside a dozen of my best roses for a special gift. I wasn't sure at the time whether I had lost my mind or what, but I set them aside anyway. Then just a few minutes ago, a little boy came into the shop and wanted to buy a flower for his mother with one small dime.

"When I looked at him, I saw myself, many years ago. I too, was a poor boy with nothing to buy my mother a Christmas gift. A bearded man, whom I never knew, stopped me on the street and told me that he wanted to give me ten dollars.

"When I saw that little boy tonight, I knew who that voice was, and I put together a dozen of my very best roses."

The shop owner and his wife hugged each other tightly, and as they stepped out into the bitter cold air, they somehow didn't feel cold at all.

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